Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
