This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Idk if I want to put a bra on
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
