'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
