problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
