I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
