You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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