this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
