Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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