Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
