let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
