my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
