I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
