her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
