Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
