I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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