Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
