I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
