i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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