I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
