dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
