you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
