He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
