if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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