i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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