Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
