I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My penis needs a shock collar
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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