I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
