I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
