I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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