I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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