my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My cat gives me a boner
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
