My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
