So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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