i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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