I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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