Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
People in love make me want to vomit
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We're too hungover to prance.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
