Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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