Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
