don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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