If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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