Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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