So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
