The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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