My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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