3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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