All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
