laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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