how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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