The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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