seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
