Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
